Bad Bad Girl

Nothing feels good.

Everything leaves me feeling cold and lost and uncertain.  Things have… changed.

I didn’t see it coming, although the writing has been on the wall for a very long time.  It was just a matter of time before  the blaring colors and the neon lights could no longer be ignored.  From the moment I met Sir I have been lost in an amazing space filled with more than I could have imagined.  I’ve grown and learned and loved.  I’ve been showered with more attention, care, energy, passion and love than I can recall in the purest fashion.  I’ve touched parts of my psyche that I buried and allowed places that I wanted hidden away to be exposed in front of people I love.  I have experienced a level of trust and comfort that I never thought possible.

I’ve been a submissive to a wonderful man whom I love dearly.

Often times people come into our lives just for a short spell.  To get you from point A to point B.  It sucks.  There’s no easy way to say, “your usefulness is over” or “I just don’t love you anymore.”  The fact is those things are not even true.  My journey began late at night last November has grown from two people finding each other in the dark to some of the most intimate moments I can ever recall sharing.  His journey began months before.  Our journeys continue, but perhaps not together.

For all the strength and ‘warm feelings’ this post seems to be displaying, I can assure you that I am a complete mess.  I am beside myself with grief and loss comparable to the death of a loved one.  This piece of my heart feels ready to shut down forever.  I feel stupid and childish for thinking that it could be different for me.  For thinking that perhaps I somehow deserved something so wonderful.  I feel foolish in front of my peers because I suspect they all saw the writing on the wall.  The truth is, I can’t remember anything that has hurt this much and probably because it came with, what seems like, no warning.  When communication breaks down in a relationship, it’s as good as lies being told.  When people in a relationship stop talking, then the rules you have set up no longer apply.  Somewhere along the lines, we stopped being Sir and Pet, and we started being boyfriend and girlfriend- and we made the tragic mistake that we made in both of our previous relationship.  We stopped talking.  We had no foundation for this relationship other than the D/s relationship that we built.  It was good, it was strong.  It was enough to get us through many rough nights and insecurities and sometimes it was even enough to get us through the 3000 miles between us.

When real life problems happen-it can’t be solved with a spanking.  It can’t be solved by the Evil Stick or orgasm denial or even a firm talking to.  Being physically controlled is not going to help me deal with husbands addiction or my apartment being broken in to, and a blow job isn’t going to help him deal with aging parents and college bound children.  No- to support each other through real life stressors, we need a relationship that is based on the two people that come before the D/s roles.  While I love him with all my heart and I would do anything to be that person- we just can’t make that happen backwards.  We are building an airplane in the sky.

Somewhere in the midst of learning about service and submission I completely lost myself.  I became dependent on his care and approval.  I suspect he became dependent on the way I needed him.  It gave us strength and made us feel good- however, that kind of dependency can’t be an every day thing.  When troubles arose for him, instead of being able to back off and stand on my own- I felt slighted, and weak and suspicious.  I suspect he felt overwhelmed, maybe even resentful that the girl he knew was no longer the strong submissive he wanted.  When troubles arose for me, he couldn’t help and he went through feelings of remorse, guilt and frustration because he couldn’t help me.  All of a sudden I couldn’t function without his approval and he couldn’t function knowing that I couldn’t be helped.  It’s a vicious cycle, codependency, and while I have a lot of experience with it- I didn’t realize that it was such a pitfall in BDSM relationships.  I didn’t even see it coming until it was too late.

So now that real life has knocked me out of our warm comfy space, we are trying to hold on to each other, but knowing that we can’t really go forward with making some major changes.  My instinct is to do anything to save it.  My impulses tell me to grab on to his ego.  His impulses are telling him that I’m hanging on too tight and he needs to let me go to stop hurting me.  The thought of losing him has sent me into a horrendous tailspin.  All the things that I’m feeling are most likely not real, but I feel them regardless.  I’m feeling abandoned and disposed of like yesterdays garbage because my usefuless is over.  Every voice I had before I met him is screaming at me, “I told you so!!”  and I have spend long hours curled into a ball, crying myself to sleep, pleading to make the hurt go away, begging Sir to not leave.  I’ve used all the coping methods I know, and a few new ones.  I’ve drank, smoked and drugged away the pain only to find myself self destructive in a way that I don’t like.

Part of me wants to throw myself to his feet and plead with him not to leave me.  My little girl is devastated at the thought of losing Daddy and thinking that I won’t ever trust him or any one else again.  I wonder if I can even be in a BDSM relationship again.  Perhaps I should give away all my bondage toys, and remove myself from the Kink Scene all together.  Perhaps I should just go back to slutting around and keeping my heart very far away from people.  Perhaps I should just get back together with my husband.  Perhaps I should just swear off of men.  Mostly, I want to plead with him not to leave me and beg him for a chance to make it right, to be better.

As days go by and I get more advice from my friends and would-be mentors, I see that no amount of “Yes Sir” was going to stop this train from reaching this destination.  I have said that we don’t do well outside of the D/s space, but really- we spent a lot of time just getting to know each other while we played.  Talking about what we wanted from life and love.  I really was never sure that he was ‘the one’ for me or vice versa- but I knew, for certain, that having him in my life made it better.  It made ME better and that to me was worth any confusion about an uncertain future that we simply weren’t ready for anyway.  I never thought that the momentum of our relationship could last, that it would eventually have to settle down from this fast and furious pace.  I guess I just thought that despite all the warnings, that we loved each other enough to figure it out and keep moving ahead.  I thought we were on the same page but I guess I was wrong.  I don’t blame him, not for everything- but I can’t take all the blame either, even though my reaction is to do that.  My reaction is to apologize and say I’m sorry and promise to be better. Promise to- anything…. but it doesn’t work that way, and thank god while I feel like I WANT to make these pathetic gestures of drama- I also know enough to know that it won’t help and it shouldn’t help.

So now we are on opposite sides of this relationship- unsure how to proceed.  What is the best next move?  Do we wait it out and see if things settle down, do we bump fists declare it a good game and go our separate ways, or do we try to find something in between?

For now, something in between seems the kinder, gentler way.  A wise friend called it ‘relationship aftercare’  – in that we can still be friends, be in each others lives, help when things get too rough but separate that constant need for connection that has become so unhealthy for me. We have talked about it, and hopefully we have a direction that leads us to a friendship with maybe some of the benefits we enjoy- without all the tears.  It hurts when you find out that someone doesn’t love you the way you thought they did- and that is something I’m going to have to get over.  However, the thought of my life without him in it just doesn’t seem real, at least right now- as no matter what, there was a connection there- something amazing and magical. Something that just doesn’t happen every day.

Just like the phone call we had, I’m afraid to end this post.  Afraid that putting the words out there make it real.  And everyone knows, once it’s ‘real’ what do you do with it??

(posted with His permission, in case you were wondering)