breaking the demons
It’s simply too late to talk about it. I don’t even want to talk now. Just push me and take me. Take my pain by giving it to me.
Tied down and spread out- I wait for the strikes to come. The sting and the pain, without any warning other than the general knowledge that it’s coming. No touching, no talking. Just a harsh finger pointing me down on the bed and the sound of the rope pulling through the loops as it attaches my wrists to the black wire bed frame.
I just can’t take anymore of the ‘real life’ they talk about. It’s not worth it. I surrender here. Pain is my prayer and He is my salvation and I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks about it. If you know, you know… if you don’t know- well, I understand why you don’t get it.
I don’t want to feel anymore. My heart betrays me. Everything I learned as a child was wrong. It was a lie. My father who hurt my sister, my step father who hurt me. My mother who turned her back to all of it. Men, dating, marriage- it’s all a bunch of bullshit that eventually comes crashing at my feet and I just can’t breathe anymore. It’s too much.
So tie me up, Sir, I asked of him without any words. To save me from the horrible things I want to do to hurt myself. To be pulled from the edge of my own stupid misery before I do something irrational. I hate being irrational- and while Bad Bad Girl is the one I have been hiding from, today I’m acutely aware of why she exists in the first place. So punish me, and beat me today. So I asked for him to beat my flesh until I bleed- because at least he appreciates my pain. The strike of the cane, no build up and no warning. I don’t even cry out- but arch towards it. Breathing again. Breathing in the physical pain and exhaling the emotional pain.
Again, I hear it cut through the air before it thwacks on my ass. A shock runs up my spine, causing me to tilt my head to the side almost in defiance. Go ahead, get the belt. I don’t even care. Push my hard limit and beat me until I cry and scream. No there’s no negotiation and no safe word, because He knows. He’ll break me down until my own hateful thoughts are quieted. Across my ass until he sees the red welts come up, and then the skin breaks. I almost moan out in a twisted ecstasy that excites and disturbs him. He strikes again, watching the blood splatter a little. Please don’t stop.
I can feel it, and I can feel his own tears burning as they fall on my ass while he beats me. He feels my pain too. The moans turn to screams and cries, but I can’t tell if I’m screaming out loud. I just can’t take much more of this ‘real life’ pain. It’s overwhelmed me and beat me down. I give up.
Work out my trauma.
Work out my issues.
Beat the fuck out of me because that is pain I can deal with. Hurt me until I don’t feel anything else but my stinging flesh. Then crawl over me- biting at the welts and fuck me. Hard and violently. A body made to serve? Sure, be my guest. Use this flesh because apparently the rest of me doesn’t matter anymore. Is he my Master? or simply carrying the message of the men who lied and used and hurt me? At this moment, my mind sees the latter. How is it possible that the ones who are SUPPOSED to love you, are the ones who hurt you the most. There’s a reason I closed off my heart. Beat me until the exposed nerves die. Cover my mouth and nose until I can’t breathe anymore and my heart stops pumping the betrayal through my veins. Fuck me until the flesh inside me is raw, the nerves are dead and I feel nothing.
Until I’m still and the demons are gone. Gone forever.
Then kiss me. Carry me away and bathe me. Breathe life back into me and watch the welts, the blood, the demons… disappear into thin air.
If it were just so easy.
I love this post- it is by far the best post I have ever read, anywhere! It really made me feel a sense of validation and understanding of myself. I have such a hard time making time to write when my mentality is where I can explain things better and I really felt like I was not alone in reading this. That is the first time I have felt such intense emotion reading something and thinking “yes- that’s it, that’s it”. Thank you!
viemoira´s last blog ..Metal Bondage Cuffs
Great writing! And so very sad all at the same time. I guess we all have our demons and our own way of dealing with them x
Joanna Cake´s last blog ..Kinky?
Hard to know what to say. The writing is intimate, painful, exquisite. The emotions are raw, uncomfortable. I haven’t lived your life, and mine doesn’t compare, but I know a little about how that physical pain can be cleansing, how it can take us out of the present and give us something timeless.
I wish you peace, love and an understanding partner, my friend.
Kyle´s last blog ..Half-Nekkid Thursday : it’s bidness time
An intense and intimate post…and knowing my own similar thoughts, when it is actually happening to us, cathartic and freeing.
thepinkpoppet´s last blog ..Are You Watching Me? (part 2)