weightlessness
Finally, in just a few short days I will get to see him again. It’s been 9 long weeks. Those 9 weeks have spent chatting, playing, exchanging ideas, exchanging fantasies.
Working out power dynamics
Working out boundaries
Working out emotions
And more talking. Always talking- always working it out- always checking in, taking breaks. Talking to Him from a submissive place, a balanced place… even a ‘girly’ place where I can be silly and uncertain.
I have found where I am comfortable is with the formality of our D/s relationship. We have yet to form a true “couple space” as we’ve yet to spend any real time as a couple. When things get loose, emotional, loving- that’s where it starts to go wrong for me. Emotions are so tricky, and I don’t know what to do with them. When we argue or disagree or things get complicated, I find that after I say my peace, I feel safe to quietly and wait for my Sir to come for me. It’s my safe place. Being his pet, is my emotional salvation. It is the one thing that I am looking forward to- even more than the sex. Even more than feeling Sir’s hands on my body… striking and bruising, grabbing and tearing my flesh.
Being in that power dynamic. Feeling what it feels like. Sitting next to him in the morning, by his feet, on the pillow he bought for me. While he sips his tea and ‘reads his paper’. I will do my homework- or play my video game. We decided a ‘modern day’ sub would be sitting at her masters feet, collared, naked, playing a video game on her iphone or working on her laptop while she waits for her Master. I plan to do just that. Sit quietly, and wait patiently for him to tug at my leash and lead me- wherever he wants me to go. No decisions, no control, no arguments, nothing but serving him. No questions, no decisions, no arguments. Just me, offering my body to him to use or not use how he pleases.
There is so much more to this than just sex. So much more than just punishment. The more I learn, the more I love this space. The more we discover together about what this is and what it could be- I find it more and more appealing. I find that when I’m powerless, I’m free. When I can put my needs into his caring hands- and just trust that he will fulfill it- I am that scared child who reached out to him not so many weeks ago. My desire is not just for him to use my body. It’s not just for him to fuck me, or tie me up, or flog me. While those things are very strong desires…. it’s what’s behind it. It’s about more than the orgasm.
I can’t even recall the moment that my life became about MORE than the orgasm, but I think it was somewhere around the time I realized that I’m really NOT looking for an orgasm- but that I’ve been substituting the orgasm for what I really want. Which is this. This safety, this protection, this weightlessness.
And that doesn’t come from sex. That comes from filling this Need. Allowing that place inside me that craves to simply belong, and trust, and surrender. That place inside me that I have kept closed off for so long. It’s the most intense feeling and it complete consumes me when I’m there. Even at this distance, I feel it. When I ask him, “Sir can I sit next to you?” Even if I am in my office and working, and he is in a meeting 3000 miles away. I am there, sitting by his feet, feeling protected and safe. I am feeling proud to be his pet, and he feels the strength of knowing I’m there. The ability to live this in person, even for just a few days, it’s felt like Christmas morning for the past week- as as the days get closer- I find it harder to focus. I want to play, be silly, be girly and scatterbrained.
He knows what I need. Control. Discipline. ”No screwing around, Pet,” he tells me, “When you are here- I want you here and focused on me. For four straight days, 24/7- you’re ass is mine.”
“Yes Sir,” I sit up straight, chin up, eyes down, back straight, breasts out. Yes- I’ve been practicing. This turns me on more than any dirty talk I’ve ever had. In a few days, he will see me. Changed- from the dirty slut, to his willing submissive.
I’m grateful for my journey, Master, and I only hope it continues.
I’m so excited for you! I know the wonderful feeling of just *being* that can come when in a submissive state. I hope you have a wonderful time. Being a sub can be so calming and centering.
Nadia´s last blog ..Amazing Night
Since you’ll be having dinner with a couple of bratty bottoms (not to mention the bratty tops that always seem to find us), this might be a good time to practice also “do what I say, not what THEY do!” LOL
Can’t wait to see you and Coyotetoo!
SilverDreams´s last blog ..Loopholes and Laughter
That’s very exciting and it is a wonderful feeling. Being worry free and being able to trust someone so completely is very important and very satisfying. It is calming to know that you can trust your partner to guide you and make you feel at peace.
It’s exciting to see how happy this makes you, and it’s good to have a friend to share some of my own excitement with. Our D/s relationships are different, but both seem to be very well suited to us. That’s the beauty of finding the right person to go on that journey with.
Enjoy your weekend, I know I’ll be enjoying mine.
Kyle´s last blog ..Scintillectual asks about the collaring and masculinity
My Dear Girl,
I think you’re on your way from being *badbad* to being *goodgood* and of course, in this dynamic you also get to be *bad* WHILE you’re being *good* ; )
I’m so excited for you as you continue to learn and discover more about your needs and desires, and how much more fun there is even beyond the orgasm. I wish nothing but the best for you and your Sir. Have a wonderful time!
(and by the way, I think it would be a much better use of your time kneeling at your Sir’s feet to continue your education on http://www.KinkAcademy.com rather than playing a video game ; )
Princess Kali
Thank you Princess Kali. Much better idea than playing games. Homework!