Thoughts on submission
You’d once told me that you never could imagine yourself kneeling to someone in submission. Now that you’ve started to experience things first hand, how has your outlook of submission and submissives themselves changed? (asked to me by @silverdaydreams on Formspring)
For a long time I considered submission as something hot and sexy that I did in bed. Giving up control, getting held down, doing what I’m told, getting spanked and knocked around a little. Sure, that was hot and sexy to me. That is what being submissive meant to me.
The first time I did a scene, it was a very hot threesome that was my introduction to paddles, knifeplay, caning, and forced orgasm. It changed me a lot. It changed the way I looked at sex, how I felt about my own sexuality and definitely gave me a ‘preference’- however it was still just in the scene, in that moment.
I didn’t quite understand the appeal in 24/7 submission. If you know me, you know that I run my family. I run my life. I am the “bread winner and pants wearer” in my family, the caregiver to my sick husband, the peace keeper and the kisser of the boo-boos. Having to maintain control and discipline of my life (no matter how poorly I did it)- I always enjoyed giving up control in bed. I make enough decisions, don’t make me decide what position to be in.
Submission, to me, was about sex… and I never thought much at all about more than that. I guess very recently as I’ve been introduced to friends who are in 24/7 relationships, I thought it was… unfamiliar. Not crazy, just something I could never do, like people who run marathons or people who love karaoke. Enviable, but nothing I ever considered cause I just couldn’t do it. Most people write about the sex. Most people talk about the punishment, the bondage, the rope. I had yet to stumble on a blog post or a book about the emotional dynamics of submission. I admit I had never looked either, much like I don’t look for books on marathons or karaoke.
Now that I have some first hand experience, I realize that had I known more- I might have been more open to it, but I doubt that I was ready until now. I realize that it’s not JUST about sex. And right now, due to the issues I’ve been having with sex, it almost works out better that there’s the distance between us. Of course, this is my perspective. I still have no idea what it’s like for others, or what it will be like if I was with a different Dom. For me now, my submission to Him is hard to explain or define. It’s more than sex and more than calling each other “Sir” and “pet.”
I think you have to enter into submission as a choice. You have to be a whole person, or at least as whole of a person as you can be, to make this choice in a way that is healthy. I can see that this type of relationship, 5 years ago, would have seemed very attractive to me when I was lost, depressed, and suicidal. I might have done anything for someone to say, “Don’t do that- do THIS!” and “Let me make it better for you.” I would have blindly fallen into a false sense of protection. I say false, because now I know that really- nobody can SAVE you- they can only help you save yourself. To be a submissive, you have to be strong enough to make the choice. I remember telling Coyote, “Look, I don’t NEED you to rescue me. I don’t need a man to ride in on a white horse and make my life better.” And I was telling the truth. I didn’t need it. I don’t need someone to protect me. I don’t need to be vulnerable and I admit, though, my life IS a little better.
Being submissive is hard. I can’t be selfish, I can’t just sit back and wait to be told what to do. I have to pay attention. I have to anticipate his needs. Being submissive is NOT about being the weaker person. It’s about finding the balance, but not about being equal. I think that it takes strength to realize that. For me, it takes strength to step down and let someone else take the lead in a relationship when I am in charge of the rest of my life.
My submission is a gift to him. My gift to him. His protection, his comfort, his control, is his gift to me. It’s a safe place to “rest my head.” When he is controlling and firm with me, I feel safe. I feel lightened of my emotional load. I feel lifted of my other responsibilities and I can put all my energy into caring for his needs. Even at this distance, there is a protection. It took some getting used to for me. I had to fight down my urges to be snarky and sarcastic. I had to learn some self control. I had to learn to be quiet when it wasn’t my turn to talk. I had to learn to think before I speak. I had to learn to submit. I doubt that it comes easy for anyone.
I think every D/s relationship MUST be different but one thing remains clear to me. It HAS to be a choice. The Domination part begins after you’ve DECIDED to submit. Not before.
You and I are in the midst of similar growth periods with regard to D/s. Though submission has always been somewhat attractive to me, I’ve had a very naive understanding of it. And I still don’t see a 24/7 arrangement as something I want or could live within. I can relate to the feeling of safety and comfort in giving up control to Roxy, especially when most of the rest of my life is about being strong and in control and on top of everything. And I can certainly relate to the incredible joy of giving myself to her and in knowing she can take that gift and make the most of it. I think it is a very equitable exchange.
Yes, all D/s relationships have their own characteristics and I agree that it helps to read about what others have come up with, because there’s a lot to learn.
I’ve got a post in draft, and have had it there for a while, on what I’m learning about myself through submission. It inspires me to see you writing about it too.
Kyle´s last blog ..Half-Nekkid Thursday : year end wrap up
i have to whole-heartedly agree with this: “For me, it takes strength to step down and let someone else take the lead in a relationship”…
Great Post!
viemoira´s last blog ..Bad Slave, No Valium
I enjoyed your answer. I know how hard this discovery process can be, and you seem to have a really great grasp on a lot of the concepts that people miss when looking at a D/s relationship.
silverdreams´s last blog ..Loopholes and Laughter
I loved this introspective, it really helped put into words, my own thoughts and feelings. I shared it with my Master, and it helped voice things I haven’t been able to say clearly, things I think He knew, but that needed to be expressed. Thank you soooo much for writing this. I hope you accept a big hug in thanks! *huggles*
Sincere thanks,
~shay~