distance
The Brit was standing outside my office today talking to a physician and I came up behind him and gently dug my nails into his sides. It was a grip, just for a moment. Touching him. I just need to touch somebody…. It’s like my body is crying out for contact and there’s none. I close my eyes at night and think of Daddy’s arms around me, but He’s not here. How can I miss someone who was never really here?
But I do.
I think as time passes, it will get easier- or more manageable. It’s different than just ‘a guy I like’ or someone I have some long distance crush on. No. He owns me. From all this distance, I’ve given myself to someone else. I trust in the decision I’ve made. It’s good for me. It keeps me from making stupid decisions, like sucking off the cock of a co-worker in the middle of my work day.
sigh….
I admit, there’s something I do oddly miss about that empty connection. Negative attention is better than none right- and this wasn’t exactly negative. It was mostly pleasurable, even if it wasn’t fulfilling. There’s something to be said about scratching an itch but I know that I’m in a different place. A place I WANT to be in- but sometimes I admit that it’s hard for me. It’s challenging and a struggle for me to not want to strike up chat conversations with Jack when I see him online. It difficult for me to keep myself from calling up the Chef and seeing if he’d like to get together for drinks again. Do I trust myself??
Not today I don’t.
Today my emotions are raw and my skin is crawling and I want to slide into Daddy’s arms into that place that I know is safe. Where I’m protected and wanted. Where I will be fucked and beaten and then held until the tears dry and my skin is quiet. And since I can’t have that- I want something else. Something… less safe, less comfortable, less pleasurable- but something to scratch against.
This is exactly what I dreaded when we entered into this relationship. When I handed over my sex to Him and said, “It’s yours now and I won’t have sex with anyone without your permission, Sir.” I knew that I would eventually get to this anxious stage where I just need to get rid of my emotions and bury it beneath the body of [insert random man's name here]. Since I have promised that I wouldn’t, I have to face myself. Face my demon, face my addiction and walk through whatever this pain is. Sex makes up for a multitude of emotions when you abuse it. Happy, Sad, Angry, Scared, all of them can be dealt with in the throes of The Fuck. And Lonely is another one. I’m lonely and I miss him- and I can’t deal with my emotions the way I usually deal with them, which is to fuck someone until my blood starts to flow again. Until the ache subsides and the tightness in my chest loosens.
No, I can only breath and wait for him to, across the miles, stroke my hair and talk me through my anxiety. Allow me an orgasm and weave dirty words about punishing me until I bleed. And strangely, the intensity is there- just without the physical bruises. It’s frightening what the mind conjures up when you let it. And I am here- struggling and barely breathing as The Brit stands across from me in a small space we have occupied many times before with me on my knees and he with a fist full of my hair, pumping some sort of twisted salvation into my throat. And my throat tightens and my skin crawls and I fight back tears because I know that I simply can’t act in such a misbehaved way anymore.
But there’s an itch that needs scratching. My skin needs peeling. My chest needs to lighten.
Because I just can’t breathe.
I relate to this so, so much today. I’m craving Master. I’m jumping out of my skin, wanting Him here to hurt me, use me, pet me. The distance is so hard, and being owned by someone so far away is so difficult. It’s like you need them there to control you and properly own you. *sigh*
Britni TheVadgeWig´s last blog ..On Faking Orgasms
This was beautiful… and sad. I understand, in a way, the need to want something knowing that you just can’t have it. Yet. Those anxious feelings get so heavy at times. Wonderful post.
Amorous Rocker´s last blog ..You have a question? I’ll give you an answer!
This is an excellent post. Sums it up perfectly.
Whether you are told this or not, when you please Him, He feels exactly the same, just and strongly. The need for release on both sides of such a union are intense.
I feel the same way, and he is local, but unavailable. I slipped this weekend, but I hope to be stronger in the future.