escape me
I’m a bit short on words lately. I’m going through the motions, but I admit I’m just not giving it the efforts that I could. I have been talking to some different people, new potential lovers. I am going through the motions, being where I say I’m going to be, doing what I say I’m going to do. However, I have no real passion or desire for it.
I’m confused. And detached. But still trapped.
Occasionally my mind wanders to visions of men and sex and flesh and fuck. When I close my eyes and fantasize about being ravished and wrecked. Sweat dripping off of my back, heat on my skin, flesh on my lips. I am consumed by my need and I close my eyes and let him take me. His body covers mine and he pushes into my tender flesh, again and again until I thrash and arch and groan with need.
Other times, in the middle of the fantasy of my flesh, my brain is consumed with things I am not aware- and the tears come. Sometimes my life seems ridiculous. If I put as much energy into dealing with my grief, as I do pretending I’m fine. I wonder how much I could accomplish.
This morning I saw this video, and it made me wonder: If I die tomorrow, how much will I regret?
I wish I had the answer. Words escape me. Thoughts are random and fleeting. My needs, as real as they are- feel foolish and frivolous. My body betrays me. My flesh aches for connection, but my brain and my heart… begs to escape. I suspect when I indulge my body, when I find what my body craves, I will be somewhat fighting the urge to run.
Of course, if you wait around for 5 minutes, I will be ok again.
i know what you mean, got that feeling too.. but i just can’t help myself so i’m just wasting your time while you’re reading this ’cause i can’t help you and you can’t help me either. the song’s making me feel more useless, i mean, i know i could die tomorrow and i just don’t do anything about it. i’m not nicer to people than i use to, i’m not more helpful, not working harder, nothing. if i’m in good mood i just don’t think about that, so i don’t care – and in a situation like now i just think about it and act as if nothing would be changed.
better start into the day hopefully.
the thing about sex – feels the same with me somehow. if i understood right, it does, as well – sometimes i feel i’m needing nothing more than getting touched; but at the same time my feelings go all wrong, my head says ‘no’ and means it ..and there’s no chance to even try to..
so ..sorry for wasting space for a comment like that, and for wasting your time trying to say something but really saying nothing.. but it made me feel better to say all that at least once
wish you the best, love sashi