the end of the affair
Z is coming to town in a few weeks. It’s going to be a wonderful but heartwrenching visit. We have talked and he has told me that he does not want to have sex anymore. He loves me, but this part of our relationship needs to be over.
I stabbed me like a ragged knife. It tore into me and scooped out my heart. He knew it and I knew he wished he didn’t have to say it.
Affairs end for all sorts of reasons. Ours has gone on and off for a few years. It ended because he left and started because he called. It was that fast and simple and I have loved him… for years.
I am trying to understand his reasons, and I assume it’s partially because while he is coming to town for this visit for work, he will not be traveling anymore and who knows when I will see him again. It has been over a year, and it may be more years next time. I know he doesn’t approve of my behavior, but simply cannot ask for monogamy (spouse excluded). He refuses to even admit that he wants it, but the fact that I’m not has fueled his decision, I’m sure.
It’s been a heartbreaking few weeks- and I know that as the weeks crawl closer there will be more anxiety about seeing him and wondering if perhaps he will change his mind, or if he will simply hold me in his arms, kiss me and we will say goodbye. I suspect it will be the latter, and for good reason- however that doesn’t make it any easier.
Not goodbye- never goodbye.
For me, it means giving up on the hope I had that someday he’d choose me. Yes, I have been waiting- shocking as that may seem. He always knew that I went looking for others when he got too busy for me. For years I was satisfied with his infrequent visits and the long distance attention, but when that faded off, I had nothing. He knew it- and he seemed to understand why I looked elsewhere. He always knew that I’d have given them all up for him- and now I simply need to deal with the fact that he won’t be choosing me. He was never going to.
It’s not about giving up the sex. It’s about acceting the truth.
Aw hon, I’m sorry *hugs*
That must hurt. But at least you know where things stand and can look for someone who will chose you. If you want to find that someone and also keep your current lovers try looking among your local polyamory community (or try polyamory dot livejournal dot com).
*hugs* I think you are handling it well. So very strong.
The first person to ever say “the truth hurts” didn’t understand the half of it. Hugs going out to you.
So sorry. Huggs!
i know EXACTLY how you feel. Hang in there…with time.