Published at: 06:08 am - Thursday August 19 2010
Oh God, it’s really over isn’t it?
And finally, the realization hit me- hard. Its time, baby, I told myself. It’s time to stop being angry, confused, desperately hopeful. It’s time to stop trying to be perfect thinking he will come back. Baby, he aint coming back. Baby, he was leaving before you knew it. It wasn’t your fault.
It’s time to let it go.
With that, I fell apart- for what I hope will be the last time. A good hard screaming wailing cry. And when I stopped, I actually felt different. Maybe not ‘better’ – but different. A bit relieved like the fatal end of a long illness. Now I just feel sad.
sad: (adj.) affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful
It doesn’t hurt to think about him, and it doesn’t hurt to think back on the wonderful times we spent. We had a lot of fun. I think we learned a lot about ourselves. Now, I just feel sad. Sad that something I cared so much about, is over. Sad that the future I thought we might have, won’t be happening. I have no doubts that we will remain in each others lives, just as something different. WHAT that different may be… I have no idea.
Last night, I read this to him- not even trying to fight back tears. It’s from the book, Eat, Pray, Love and it somehow comforts me. It makes me feel hopeful that things happen for a reason. I know that when I am done being sad, I will truly be able to appreciate what happened, and just how amazing it was.
—
“But I really loved him.”
“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”
“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”
“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”
“But I love him.”
“So love him.”
“But I miss him.”
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and you are scared to death of what will happen if you’re really alone. ….”
“But I wish me and David could —“
He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
–
So now comes the very hard task of actually moving forward. The complicated, heart wrenching and seemingly impossible (at least to me) task of ‘undoing’ the mental conditioning that came along with my submissive training. I know this situation has struck fear in the hearts of many submissives and brought back painful memories for some who have been in this very scary place. What in the hell do I do now?
I have gotten a LOT of advice that I should cut all ties. With him and with our mutual friends. That it’s too painful- when the internet is really NOT that large. We have some of the same internet circles. His friends have become my FAMILY. Should I walk away from that? Sometimes I think that might help- the constant reminder of a life that is no longer mine can sometimes be like a knife in my windpipe. Then I think, how much more loss must I suffer? These friends are not taking sides. They care about us both and have not turned their backs on me at all. Truth be told, I really think he may just be asking them, can you check on her…?
I have considered getting off of twitter, quitting writing on this blog and completely shutting down for a while. Nobody wants to listen to me carry on forever about my broken heart right? But then I go thru my emails, my comments and my twitter DM’s, text messages and facebook emails. So many people who have reached out to me. So many friends, and complete strangers. Dom’s, Subs and just ‘people’ who have hurt or have been hurt. A broken submissive heart is still a broken heart and perhaps my lamentation touched the souls of at LEAST as many people that it may have annoyed. Perhaps I simply need to reach out as that is the only way I will heal. I am grateful that he has not once tried to silence my pain. He’s never tried to stop me from speaking my sadness.
So I move on, not as a submissive, but as the smart mature strong woman that I know that I am. I will credit him with changing me. Changing the way I see myself. While I am weakened, I know that he helped to make me stronger. While I am wounded, I know that he helped to heal me. I am certain of it- it’s just hard to see right now.
I don’t plan on feeling ‘better’ any time soon- but at least I don’t feel like I’m dying. At least I don’t want to crawl into a hole and I really HAVE given up any thoughts of throwing myself at his feet and begging him to come back. Really, I have. And yes, I admit, I did consider that too.
So I will love him, and I will miss him. I will send him love and light, and then drop it.
Thank you for sharing you thoughts and stories with me. It helps, more than you can imagine.
-bbg
